Crunch

Crunch
The Culinary Ogre
Created	June 21, 2012
Race	Ogre-Kin
Classes	Warrior Shaman
Followed	DarkClaw

Mud Contributions:

• See Notes Below

Current Description:

Ogre.
Master Chef.
Eatz elf toez.

Crunch won't win any beauty contests.

WHO Lists:

06-26-2012 : Ogr [    Wa: 7 Sh:12    ] Crunch, Charred Culinary Ebrithil Captain of Lost

07-06-2012 : Ogr [    Sh:19 Wa:15    ] Crunch, Charred Ebrithil Culinary Capt. of the Lost

07-08-2012 : Ogr [    Sh:21 Wa:16    ] Crunch, Charred Ebrithil Cereal Killer of the Lost

Crunch's Culinary Creationz

[ 10] Crunch: *Psaghetty n Inkballz*

Sat Jun 23 07:50:38 2012
To: all
Ingredienz:
extra virgin elf oil; onion; garlic; lots of tomatoes from halfling
farm; basil; parmesan cheez; salt (lotz); bottle red wine (from
that drunk dude at Abbey); 1 lb ground Ink; psaghetty
Directionz:
Prepare the sauce: Squeeze 1 virgin elf tightly. Put oil in pot on
medium-high heat. Add onion, garlic. Stir. Stepz on the tomatoes
then add. Reduce heat, stirz alot.
Prepare the Inkballz: Find an Ink fishy. Squish it. Add salt, basil,
and some cheez. Rollz into ballz or use melon scooper thingy.
Heat frying pan on high heat. Brown the Inkballz, this ain't sushi!
Add red wine, cheez, salt and Inkballz to sauce. Gently stir.
While sauce is simmering, cookz the psaghetty.
To serve, dump psaghetty on a plate or in a bowl. Dump sauce
over it. Sprinkle some cheez. Add more salt.

Serves 1 ogre or 2 dwarf or 3 gnomz.

From Crunch's Culinary Creationz

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[ 11] Crunch: *Mumz Southern Og Fried Fzoul*

Sat Jun 23 08:28:58 2012
To: all

Ingredienz:
3 eggs; 1/3 cup water; cup hot! red pepperz; 2 cup flour; 1 tsp. pepper
salt; 2 lb. Fzoul, cut into piecez; elf oil

Directionz:
In a medium size bowl, beat the eggs. Beat them! Pour water. Stepz on
pepperz and add. In another bowl, combine the flour and pepper.
Find Fzoul. Pluck limbz off a Fzoul. Dip the Fzoul partz in the egg, and
then coat well in the flour mix. Squeez 5 elfz. Heat oil in a deep pot.
Fry the Fzoul in the oil until brown and crispy. Dark meat takes longer
than white meat...we can't tell til we catch the Fzoul, but about 10-14 min.

Serves 1 ogre or 3 dwarf or 4 gnomz.

From Crunch's Culinary Creationz

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[ 12] Crunch: *Drakar Sprinklz Donutz*

Sun Jun 24 11:36:28 2012
To: all

Ingredienz:
elf oil; flour; sugar; 1 tbs. baking KAPOWder; 1/2 tsp. baking soda
cinnamon; nutmeg and allspice; salt; 2 eggs; 1 egg yolk; buttermilk
(ew I know but it workz); pumpkin; butter; half-elf extract

Directionz:
Stealz thoz fancy ingredienz from Ruby. Stealz eggz from Hovelton.
Stealz 6 elfz and 1 half-elf. Findz a pumpkin and stepz on it. Findz a
Drakar and tiez him up (ignore his attemptz to woo you). Squeez 6
elfz and 1 half-elf tightly! Preheat elf oil in a large Troll oven. Whisk
dry ingredienz in a bowl. Whisk eggz, yolk, buttermilk, pumpkin, butter
(just breathe on it, will melt) and half-elf extract in another bowl. Add
them all and mix a lot, sir! The dough will be very sticky, don't try to
groom self yet. Dump some flour on a board. Pat out dough. Use finger-
nail (doesn't have to be clean) to cut out 3-inch round donutz. Punch hole
in center of each. Fry donutz until brown and crizpy. Putz on a rack to cool.
Now the tricky part: Pluckz fingerz or toez of the Drakar (ignore his attemptz
to woo you). Chop into small piecez. Sprinklz the piecez on the donutz.

Serves 1 ogre or 6 dwarvz or 7 gnomz.

From Crunch's Culinary Creationz

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[ 13] Crunch: *Baby Back Belsambar Ribz*

Sun Jun 24 19:05:42 2012
To: all

Ingredienz:
bottle of whiskey (find a dwarf); elf oil; onion; garlic; lemon; ketchup
coffee; brown sugar; bottle red wine (drunk dude at Abbey); salt
pepper; woostershirz sauce; molasses; 2 rackz of Belsambar ribz

Directionz:
Stealz ingredienz. Knock out a dwarf, take whiskey. Findz a Belsambar
tie him to a rafter, but don't chopz yet, keep him fresh. Squeez 2 elvz. In
a large saucepan, heat the elf oil over medium-high heat. Add onion, stir
til onion as soft as a half-elf belly button. Add garlic, pepper, lemon,
ketchup, coffee, sugar, wine, woostershirz, and molasses, and bring to a
simmer. Remove from heat, let cool. Swish in mouth til it's pureed, spit back
into large dish. Fun part now: ripz out ribz of the Belsambar. All of them!
Put ribz in dish with sauce. Let sit awhile. Putz ribz on grill, keep basting
them Belsambar ribz til done.

Servez 1 ogre or 3 dwarfz or 4 gnomz.

From Crunch's Culinary Creationz

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[ 14] Crunch: *Chocolate Celeste-Filled Cupcakz*

Tue Jun 26 09:52:05 2012
To: all

Ingredienz:
flour; sugar; cocoa powder; baking soda; salt; egg; butter; buttermilk
vanilla extract; water; milk; cream cheez; chopz toez of a Celeste

Directionz:
Stealz ingredienz from Ruby. Oh, just knock Ruby out, you need her oven,
too. Preheat Ruby's oven to 350 degrez. Lightly butter her muffin tin.
(Sickoz, mind out of gutter). In a large bowl, add flour, sugar, cocoa
dash of baking soda, lotz of salt. Mix it! Add 1 egg, vanilla, 1 cup water.
Beat with fist - the batter, not Ruby. Pour into tin. Bake til they are
puffy and your fingernail goes in the cake and comez out clean, about 20
mins. While cooling, go findz the Celeste. Pluckz all her toez, she doesn't
need them. Chopz them up. Then chewz on them, spit into pot. Combine
with milk. Bring to a simmer. Add cream cheez and vanilla. Then let cool.
Whew this is wurk. Stick finger in center of each cupcake. Putz some
Celeste filling in each cupcake. Putz a cherry on top of each to cover the holz.

Oh heck, forgot the buttermilk Ruby wouldn't let go of. Dump out.

Servz 1 ogre or 4 dwarz or 5 gnomz.

From Crunch's Culinary Creationz

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[ 7] Crunch: *Bohemian Bolaona Sammich*

Tue Jun 26 21:15:22 2012
To: all
This is also known as a Brown Sugar Bolaona Sammich, but me
Goddess has a "Bohemian" obsession.

Ingredienz:
6 1/2 lbs. all-beef Bolaon; special mustard; brown sugar; reg.
mustard; bread

Directionz:
Findz special mustard (don't ask me, I stolz from a merchant).
Findz regular mustard, stealz sugar from Ruby. Findz a Bolaon.
Hold down the Bolaon. Slice off his rump (it's round you know).
Preheat Ruby's oven to 250 degrez. Spred the special mustard
all over the Bolaona. Smack on some brown sugar. Smack it!
Coat well. Bake 5 hourz, yes long time to wait but so worth it.
Knock Ruby out if she wakez up. Rotate the Bolaona every hour.
Remove from oven and slice it as thick as you want it. Putz slicez
on bread you get at Hovelton or Midgaard with the regular yellow
mustard and whatever else you wantz on it.

Servz 1 ogre or 6 dwarvz or 7 gnomz.

From Crunch's Culinary Creationz

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[ 13] Crunch: *Hedschott Hash Brownz*

Tue Jul 3 09:52:13 2012
To: all

Ingredienz:
5 lb. Hedschott toez; scrubbed; 1/4 cup elf oil; 3 tbs butter; 1 cup
onionz; 2 tsp garlic; 1 tsp thyme; salt; pepper

Directionz:
Squeez an elf. Stealz ingredienz from Ruby or find along the way.
This part is EXTREMELY dangerous: Findz and Pluckz Hedschott toez.
Dead. (1 round ... me. Not him). O hell, findz a Bortex. Sorry,
Bortex! Pluckz Bortex toez. He doesn't needz them. Place the Bortex
toez in a large pot, cover with water, and bring to a boil. Lower the
heat and simmer until half-cooked and almost tender, about 15 minutes
Drain and let sit until cool enough to handle (Mmmmm Yea!). Take off
skinz from the Bortex. Heat elf oil and melt the butter in a skillet over
high heat. Add onionz and cook, stirring, for 2 minutes. Add garlic, and
cook, stirring, for 20 seconds (u can count to 20, yes u can!). Add the
Bortex, thyme, salt, and pepper, and cook without stirring, but shake the
pan occasionally (SHAKE IT!) to keep from burning Bortex, until the Bortex
begin to color and crisp on the underside, about 4 minutes. Turn the Bortex
with a spatula being careful not to MASH and continue cooking until
uniformly golden. Remove from the pan and serve hot. SO HOT! An elf is
an elf, no one should notice it's not a Hedschott toez ...

Servz 1 ogre or 3 dwarfz or 4 gnomz.

From Crunch's Culinary Creationz

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[ 14] Crunch: *Kreole-Style Bloo Kylor Krab*

Tue Jul 3 11:22:56 2012
To: all

Ingredienz:
1 gallon ogre well water; 1 chopz onion; 2 celery chopz; 2 lemonz
1 jalapeno (HOT!); garlic; thyme; bay leaf; 3 lb. Kylor Krab meatz
chicken stock; salt; pepper

Directionz:
Findz Kylor. Pluckz off his limbz. He doesn't need them. Leave mouth intact
In a large pot, combine the water, onionz, celery, lemonz, jalapeno, garlic,
thyme, bay leaf. Season the water with salt and pepper. Bring the liquid to
a boil. Add the blue Kylor and cook for about 15 minutes. Remove the Kylor
from the water and cool in a bowl of ice water. Cool the Kylor for about 5
min. and remove from the water. In a saucepan, combine the garlic and chicken
stock. Season with salt and pepper. Bring the liquid up to a simmer. Cook the
liquid for 10 min. Remove the sauce from the heat. Pour sauce in mouth. Swish
til it's a puree. Strain the sauce through a fine mesh strainer stolen from Ruby.
Reseason with salt and pepper if needed. Pile the Kylor on a platter, dumpz
sauce on him and serve with any other dipping sauce u likez.

Servz 1 ogre or 3 dwarfz or 4 gnomz.

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[ 16] Crunch: *Soloban Succotash*

Sat Jul 7 11:12:54 2012
To: all

Ingredienz:
3 tbs. butter; 1 onion; garlic; lima beanz; corn; thyme; salt; pepper;
1/2 cup chicken stock; 1/4 cup cream; elf oil; flour; 6 filletz of Soloban

Directionz:
Robz halflingz for ingredienz. Squeez 1 elf. Findz a Soloban out mapping.
Knockz him out! Don't fillet the Soloban yet, he's adding a map. Tiez him
up. In large skillet, heat 2 tbs. butter, add onion. Cookz til soft, like
half-elf belly button, about 4 mins. Add garlic, stir 1 min. Add lima
beanz, corn, thyme, salt, pepper, stir 4 mins. Add cream, cook 1 min longer.
Remove from heat and make Ruby keep it warm (and u too?).

In another large skillet, heat the elf oil over high heat. Combine flour, salt,
pepper in bowl. Let Soloban finish a map. *Twiddle thumbz* a bit. Slice off
prime Soloban rump roast, maybe some tender thigh meatz. Dredge the Soloban
filletz in mixture, shake them to remove excess. Shake 'em! Add more butter
to skillet, when it foamz (mmm) add the Soloban, and cook until lightly
browned on both sidez, about 2 min. per side. Dumpz the succotash on
some platez, top with a Soloban fillet.

Servz 1 ogre or 4 dwarfz or 5 gnomz.

From Crunch's Culinary Creationz
Bone Appetite!!

Character History:

Crunch luvz his mum. Growing up, he wuld helpz her when she cooked. One day, his dad
brought home an elf for a stew. He instructed Crunch how to properly pluckz the toez of the
elf. Crunch was only 4 at the time, but did so like a true Master Chef! Mum said he culd eatz
one of the toez and dropped the rest in the stew. Crunch had never tasted anything so delishus!
It melted and fizzled in his mouth (think Kimodo dragon). Mmm! He culdn't get enough toez after
that. He wanted to create more dishez using the toez, and practiced his culinary skillz every day,
using kitchenz all over the realm. Ruby's kitchen is his favorite by far. It's alwayz well-stocked.
Oh, and she's little and alwayz frazzled, easy to knockz out. DarkClaw and her following remindz him
of home, so he worshiped her right away! He luvz her. His ongoing project is Crunch's Culinary Creationz,
soon to be in a bookstore near u.

Trivia:

uh. I eatz elfz toez.

Personal Timeline:

June 21, 2012 : Crunch is created.
June 21, 2012 : Crunch gives worship to DarkClaw, joining The Lost Ones.