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The Culinary Ogre
Created June 21, 2012
Race Ogre-Kin
Classes Warrior
Followed DarkClaw

Mud Contributions:

  • See Notes Below

Current Description:

Crunch: Hard at Work
(Photo: Cuisine d'Ogre by Richard Svensson)

Master Chef.
Eatz elf toez.

Crunch won't win any beauty contests.

WHO Lists:

06-26-2012 : Ogr [    Wa: 7 Sh:12    ] Crunch, Charred Culinary Ebrithil Captain of Lost
07-06-2012 : Ogr [ Sh:19 Wa:15 ] Crunch, Charred Ebrithil Culinary Capt. of the Lost
07-08-2012 : Ogr [ Sh:21 Wa:16 ] Crunch, Charred Ebrithil Cereal Killer of the Lost

Crunch's Culinary Creationz

[ 10] Crunch: *Psaghetty n Inkballz*

Sat Jun 23 07:50:38 2012
To: all
extra virgin elf oil; onion; garlic; lots of tomatoes from halfling
farm; basil; parmesan cheez; salt (lotz); bottle red wine (from
that drunk dude at Abbey); 1 lb ground Ink; psaghetty
Prepare the sauce: Squeeze 1 virgin elf tightly. Put oil in pot on
medium-high heat. Add onion, garlic. Stir. Stepz on the tomatoes
then add. Reduce heat, stirz alot.
Prepare the Inkballz: Find an Ink fishy. Squish it. Add salt, basil,
and some cheez. Rollz into ballz or use melon scooper thingy.
Heat frying pan on high heat. Brown the Inkballz, this ain't sushi!
Add red wine, cheez, salt and Inkballz to sauce. Gently stir.
While sauce is simmering, cookz the psaghetty.
To serve, dump psaghetty on a plate or in a bowl. Dump sauce
over it. Sprinkle some cheez. Add more salt.

Serves 1 ogre or 2 dwarf or 3 gnomz.

From Crunch's Culinary Creationz

[ 11] Crunch: *Mumz Southern Og Fried Fzoul*

Sat Jun 23 08:28:58 2012
To: all

3 eggs; 1/3 cup water; cup hot! red pepperz; 2 cup flour; 1 tsp. pepper
salt; 2 lb. Fzoul, cut into piecez; elf oil

In a medium size bowl, beat the eggs. Beat them! Pour water. Stepz on
pepperz and add. In another bowl, combine the flour and pepper.
Find Fzoul. Pluck limbz off a Fzoul. Dip the Fzoul partz in the egg, and
then coat well in the flour mix. Squeez 5 elfz. Heat oil in a deep pot.
Fry the Fzoul in the oil until brown and crispy. Dark meat takes longer
than white meat...we can't tell til we catch the Fzoul, but about 10-14 min.

Serves 1 ogre or 3 dwarf or 4 gnomz.

From Crunch's Culinary Creationz

[ 12] Crunch: *Drakar Sprinklz Donutz*

Sun Jun 24 11:36:28 2012
To: all

elf oil; flour; sugar; 1 tbs. baking KAPOWder; 1/2 tsp. baking soda
cinnamon; nutmeg and allspice; salt; 2 eggs; 1 egg yolk; buttermilk
(ew I know but it workz); pumpkin; butter; half-elf extract

Stealz thoz fancy ingredienz from Ruby. Stealz eggz from Hovelton.
Stealz 6 elfz and 1 half-elf. Findz a pumpkin and stepz on it. Findz a
Drakar and tiez him up (ignore his attemptz to woo you). Squeez 6
elfz and 1 half-elf tightly! Preheat elf oil in a large Troll oven. Whisk
dry ingredienz in a bowl. Whisk eggz, yolk, buttermilk, pumpkin, butter
(just breathe on it, will melt) and half-elf extract in another bowl. Add
them all and mix a lot, sir! The dough will be very sticky, don't try to
groom self yet. Dump some flour on a board. Pat out dough. Use finger-
nail (doesn't have to be clean) to cut out 3-inch round donutz. Punch hole
in center of each. Fry donutz until brown and crizpy. Putz on a rack to cool.
Now the tricky part: Pluckz fingerz or toez of the Drakar (ignore his attemptz
to woo you). Chop into small piecez. Sprinklz the piecez on the donutz.

Serves 1 ogre or 6 dwarvz or 7 gnomz.

From Crunch's Culinary Creationz

[ 13] Crunch: *Baby Back Belsambar Ribz*

Sun Jun 24 19:05:42 2012
To: all

bottle of whiskey (find a dwarf); elf oil; onion; garlic; lemon; ketchup
coffee; brown sugar; bottle red wine (drunk dude at Abbey); salt
pepper; woostershirz sauce; molasses; 2 rackz of Belsambar ribz

Stealz ingredienz. Knock out a dwarf, take whiskey. Findz a Belsambar
tie him to a rafter, but don't chopz yet, keep him fresh. Squeez 2 elvz. In
a large saucepan, heat the elf oil over medium-high heat. Add onion, stir
til onion as soft as a half-elf belly button. Add garlic, pepper, lemon,
ketchup, coffee, sugar, wine, woostershirz, and molasses, and bring to a
simmer. Remove from heat, let cool. Swish in mouth til it's pureed, spit back
into large dish. Fun part now: ripz out ribz of the Belsambar. All of them!
Put ribz in dish with sauce. Let sit awhile. Putz ribz on grill, keep basting
them Belsambar ribz til done.

Servez 1 ogre or 3 dwarfz or 4 gnomz.

From Crunch's Culinary Creationz

[ 14] Crunch: *Chocolate Celeste-Filled Cupcakz*

Tue Jun 26 09:52:05 2012
To: all

flour; sugar; cocoa powder; baking soda; salt; egg; butter; buttermilk
vanilla extract; water; milk; cream cheez; chopz toez of a Celeste

Stealz ingredienz from Ruby. Oh, just knock Ruby out, you need her oven,
too. Preheat Ruby's oven to 350 degrez. Lightly butter her muffin tin.
(Sickoz, mind out of gutter). In a large bowl, add flour, sugar, cocoa
dash of baking soda, lotz of salt. Mix it! Add 1 egg, vanilla, 1 cup water.
Beat with fist - the batter, not Ruby. Pour into tin. Bake til they are
puffy and your fingernail goes in the cake and comez out clean, about 20
mins. While cooling, go findz the Celeste. Pluckz all her toez, she doesn't
need them. Chopz them up. Then chewz on them, spit into pot. Combine
with milk. Bring to a simmer. Add cream cheez and vanilla. Then let cool.
Whew this is wurk. Stick finger in center of each cupcake. Putz some
Celeste filling in each cupcake. Putz a cherry on top of each to cover the holz.

Oh heck, forgot the buttermilk Ruby wouldn't let go of. Dump out.

Servz 1 ogre or 4 dwarz or 5 gnomz.

From Crunch's Culinary Creationz

[ 7] Crunch: *Bohemian Bolaona Sammich*

Tue Jun 26 21:15:22 2012
To: all
This is also known as a Brown Sugar Bolaona Sammich, but me
Goddess has a "Bohemian" obsession.

6 1/2 lbs. all-beef Bolaon; special mustard; brown sugar; reg.
mustard; bread

Findz special mustard (don't ask me, I stolz from a merchant).
Findz regular mustard, stealz sugar from Ruby. Findz a Bolaon.
Hold down the Bolaon. Slice off his rump (it's round you know).
Preheat Ruby's oven to 250 degrez. Spred the special mustard
all over the Bolaona. Smack on some brown sugar. Smack it!
Coat well. Bake 5 hourz, yes long time to wait but so worth it.
Knock Ruby out if she wakez up. Rotate the Bolaona every hour.
Remove from oven and slice it as thick as you want it. Putz slicez
on bread you get at Hovelton or Midgaard with the regular yellow
mustard and whatever else you wantz on it.

Servz 1 ogre or 6 dwarvz or 7 gnomz.

From Crunch's Culinary Creationz

[ 13] Crunch: *Hedschott Hash Brownz*

Tue Jul 3 09:52:13 2012
To: all

5 lb. Hedschott toez; scrubbed; 1/4 cup elf oil; 3 tbs butter; 1 cup
onionz; 2 tsp garlic; 1 tsp thyme; salt; pepper

Squeez an elf. Stealz ingredienz from Ruby or find along the way.
This part is EXTREMELY dangerous: Findz and Pluckz Hedschott toez.
Dead. (1 round ... me. Not him). O hell, findz a Bortex. Sorry,
Bortex! Pluckz Bortex toez. He doesn't needz them. Place the Bortex
toez in a large pot, cover with water, and bring to a boil. Lower the
heat and simmer until half-cooked and almost tender, about 15 minutes
Drain and let sit until cool enough to handle (Mmmmm Yea!). Take off
skinz from the Bortex. Heat elf oil and melt the butter in a skillet over
high heat. Add onionz and cook, stirring, for 2 minutes. Add garlic, and
cook, stirring, for 20 seconds (u can count to 20, yes u can!). Add the
Bortex, thyme, salt, and pepper, and cook without stirring, but shake the
pan occasionally (SHAKE IT!) to keep from burning Bortex, until the Bortex
begin to color and crisp on the underside, about 4 minutes. Turn the Bortex
with a spatula being careful not to MASH and continue cooking until
uniformly golden. Remove from the pan and serve hot. SO HOT! An elf is
an elf, no one should notice it's not a Hedschott toez ...

Servz 1 ogre or 3 dwarfz or 4 gnomz.

From Crunch's Culinary Creationz

[ 14] Crunch: *Kreole-Style Bloo Kylor Krab*

Tue Jul 3 11:22:56 2012
To: all

1 gallon ogre well water; 1 chopz onion; 2 celery chopz; 2 lemonz
1 jalapeno (HOT!); garlic; thyme; bay leaf; 3 lb. Kylor Krab meatz
chicken stock; salt; pepper

Findz Kylor. Pluckz off his limbz. He doesn't need them. Leave mouth intact
In a large pot, combine the water, onionz, celery, lemonz, jalapeno, garlic,
thyme, bay leaf. Season the water with salt and pepper. Bring the liquid to
a boil. Add the blue Kylor and cook for about 15 minutes. Remove the Kylor
from the water and cool in a bowl of ice water. Cool the Kylor for about 5
min. and remove from the water. In a saucepan, combine the garlic and chicken
stock. Season with salt and pepper. Bring the liquid up to a simmer. Cook the
liquid for 10 min. Remove the sauce from the heat. Pour sauce in mouth. Swish
til it's a puree. Strain the sauce through a fine mesh strainer stolen from Ruby.
Reseason with salt and pepper if needed. Pile the Kylor on a platter, dumpz
sauce on him and serve with any other dipping sauce u likez.

Servz 1 ogre or 3 dwarfz or 4 gnomz.

[ 16] Crunch: *Soloban Succotash*

Sat Jul 7 11:12:54 2012
To: all

3 tbs. butter; 1 onion; garlic; lima beanz; corn; thyme; salt; pepper;
1/2 cup chicken stock; 1/4 cup cream; elf oil; flour; 6 filletz of Soloban

Robz halflingz for ingredienz. Squeez 1 elf. Findz a Soloban out mapping.
Knockz him out! Don't fillet the Soloban yet, he's adding a map. Tiez him
up. In large skillet, heat 2 tbs. butter, add onion. Cookz til soft, like
half-elf belly button, about 4 mins. Add garlic, stir 1 min. Add lima
beanz, corn, thyme, salt, pepper, stir 4 mins. Add cream, cook 1 min longer.
Remove from heat and make Ruby keep it warm (and u too?).

In another large skillet, heat the elf oil over high heat. Combine flour, salt,
pepper in bowl. Let Soloban finish a map. *Twiddle thumbz* a bit. Slice off
prime Soloban rump roast, maybe some tender thigh meatz. Dredge the Soloban
filletz in mixture, shake them to remove excess. Shake 'em! Add more butter
to skillet, when it foamz (mmm) add the Soloban, and cook until lightly
browned on both sidez, about 2 min. per side. Dumpz the succotash on
some platez, top with a Soloban fillet.

Servz 1 ogre or 4 dwarfz or 5 gnomz.

From Crunch's Culinary Creationz
Bone Appetite!!


[ 5] Crunch: *Sauteed Sagan 'n Sugar Snap Peaz*

Fri Jul 20 00:50:11 2012
To: all

1 1/2 lb. fresh sugar snap peaz; 1 tbs. elf oil; 1 1/2 tsp. salt; 3/4 tsp.
freshly ground black pepper; sea salt; 1/2 cup flour; 3 lb. Sagan filletz

Squeez 1 elf tight! Stealz some peaz from halfling garden. Findz a Sagan.
Oh no! He bitez. Hard. Pluckz a pinky toe for souvenir, then RUN! Findz
another Dwarf. Yo, Doc! Slice off some Doc rump into filletz (no one
will know it's not a Sagan). Put the flour on a plate and season with a
healthy (ALOT!) amount of salt and pepper; mix with a fork to combine
evenly. Dredge the Doc ... er Sagan ... filletz in the flour to coat all
sidez. Remove and discard the stem end and string from each sugar snap.
Heat the elf oil in a large sautee pan over medium-high heat. Add the peaz,
salt and pepper, and sautee, tossing occasionally for 3 to 5 mins., until the
peaz are crisp but tender (figure it out). Place the peaz in a serving bowl,
sprinkle with sea salt (from the sea, duh). In the same pan, gently place the

  • cough* Sagan filletz and cook until both sidez are golden. Dumpz the filletz

over the peaz and serve.

Servz 1 ogre or 4 dwarf cannibalz or 5 gnomz.

From Crunch's Culinary Creationz
Bone Appetite!


[ 6] Crunch: *Tygroovian Troy Tamalez*

Sun Jul 22 13:19:06 2012
To: all

3 tbs. elf oil; 5 lb. FRESH Troy meat, quartered; 1 cup diced onion
1/2 cup diced green pepper, celery; diced tomatoez; 1 quart Troy stock
2 1/2 tsp salt; 1 tsp. oregano; 1/2 tsp. pepper; 1/2 cup olivez; 1/2 cup
gnome nutz; 2 cupz Troy fat; 3 cupz Troy broth; 2 lbs. banana leavez
plantain stripz; 3 cupz masa harina

Squeez 3 elfz. Steal ingredienz from halfling farm. Get some "masa harina"
from traveling merchant. Buy gnome nutz at Juju *or* just pluckz from a
passing Gnome (Yo, Marian!). Get banana leavz and plantainz from Spire.
This part might be HARD and is *not* for the squeamish: Findz a Troy
doing something foolish and dangerous. Knockz him out, tiez him to a rafter -
he needz to be FRESH. While you pluckz limbz, drain stock, slice off fat,
pretend to listen to the Troy talk, nodding occasionally. In a large saucepan,
heat the elf oil and brown the Troy piecez. Add onionz, pepper, celery, stirring
til tender, 3-4 mins. Add tomatoez, Troy stock, salt, oregano, gnome nutz.
Simmer til the Troy is very tender, about 2 1/2 hour (read a good book).

Combine masa harina with Troy fat and salt, findz Whisk and use him to beat
n stir that mix! Slowly add Troy broth while Whisk whiskz. Cut banana leavez
into 10 inch squarez. Spread 6 tbs. masa mix in center of each leaf. Add 3 tbs.
Troy goop in a line down center of each leaf. Fold leaf up, 1 side at a time, into
rectangular packet and secure with Troy hair (pretend to listen to him as you pluckz
his hair, nodding occasionally). Take a break, this is hard wurk. Eatz some elf toez.

Position Colander (don't have a steamer basket) inside a large pot and line it with
extra banana leavez. Add water to pot not touching Colander (sensitive tush). Add
Troy tamalez to Colander, cover, and bring to a boil. Steam tamalez until masa is
completely cooked through and tender and tamalez are set, about 1 hour. Findz
Tongs. Using Tongs, remove Troy tamalez from Colander and allow to cool briefly
before serving with plantain stripz, if desired.

Servz 1 ogre or 6 dwarfz or 7 gnomz.

From Crunch's Culinary Creationz
Bone Appetite!


[ 8] Crunch: *Lore S'morez*

Sun Jul 22 20:51:59 2012
To: all

10 sheetz graham crackerz; 1 BIG bar of chocolate; 10 Lore toez

Knockz Ruby out, stealz her graham crackerz. Knockz Ladislaw out,
stealz his BIG bar of chocolate (check his pocketz first). Now for
the fun, fun part! Taunt and/or haunt a Lore. Be ready to pluckz all
10 toez when he showz up. He will most definitely show up. Might take
several attemptz, but it's possible to pluckz all 10 without him even
realizing they're gone. Well. 4 Lore toez will have to do.... So.
Findz a Troy. Tell him you're conducting an important scientific
experiment and needz 6 of his toez. He will happily pluckz off his
own toez for you. Heat a grill to medium-low heat. Break crackerz
into 2 squarez. Put a piece of chocolate on 5 squarez, place near edge
of grill so chocolate is warm and soft (mmhmm) - about 30 secondz.
Skewer 2 Lore and/or Troy toez on a stick and hold over grill. Toast,
turning occasionally, til the toez puff and turn golden brown, 1-2 mins.
Place the toez on the chocolate and using the plain square cracker,
SQUISH the toez down and pull off the skewer stickz. Eatz while
warm and gooey! Yum!!

    • Campfire wurkz just as well for you campy outdoorsy folkz.

Servz 1 ogre or 1 dwarf or 2 gnomz.

From Crunch's Culinary Creationz
Bone Appetite campers everywhere!


[ 15] Crunch: DarkClaw Demi-Glace

Wed Mar 12 00:07:55 2014
To: all

First, Eldric you have my prayers and good wishes.
Second, I miss DarkClaw toes. So...

2 tb. elf oil; 1 tb. onion, 1 cup wine; 2 cup Mino stock
cup tomato; DarkClaw toenail; 2 tb. butter

Lotsa squeezin today! Findz 2 elf, squeez hard. Findz a
Thrall, he nice. Squeez hard! Harder! Ugh he broke.
Findz a Sanitarium. Squeeeeeez him! Snuggle a DarkClaw,
offer a pedicure hey! It for good of recipe, do it; take toenail
clipping - glitter taste good dont worry. Add elf oil to pan over
medium-high heat. Add onion, deglaze pan with wine. Add Mino
juice (love you Thrall and Sani!), tomato, DarkClaw glittery toenailz.
Once sauce is reduced, remove from heat, pour thru cheesecloth
into bowl. Stir in butter. Use the Demi-Glace on ANYTHING!
Will taste so yummy.

Servz: 1 Ogre, 2 DarkClaw stalkerz

Bone Appetite!
Crunch's Culinary Creationz

A Very Special Guest Creation

[ 16] Crunch: Petition for 24-hour Fly-thru Food Placez
Wed Aug 15 16:18:04 2012
To: all
It is 3 am on Zoardryn the 25th. I'M STARVING!!!!
I hereby petition the Gods of this great realm to make
some food establishmentz 24-hour fly thru for us night owlz.
Pleaz, there are no elfz on right now for me to munch on.
I needz me protein, as do all the other growing boyz and gurlz.
All those in favor of a 24 hour McPippenswort's,
pleaz support this petition.


[ 17] Natilena: Re: Petition for Food "Placez"
Wed Aug 15 16:54:03 2012
To: all
Ah but if you're starving do I have a recipe for you!

Crunch Steak with a Magic Mushroom side

1 Crunch
1 Available Ranger
1 Available Cleric

Kill Crunch. Bring corpse to available ranger and have him
(or her) butcher it. Pick up steak and wash well. Find
available cleric. Have them create food. Pick magic mushroom
off ground and wash well. Place all on plate and enjoy!
(Please do not eat plate)

Please note this is enjoyable at any hour of the day!

Thanks for your attention,
Teh Godz


Character History:

Crunch luvz his mum. Growing up, he wuld helpz her when she cooked. One day, his dad
brought home an elf for a stew. He instructed Crunch how to properly pluckz the toez of the
elf. Crunch was only 4 at the time, but did so like a true Master Chef! Mum said he culd eatz
one of the toez and dropped the rest in the stew. Crunch had never tasted anything so delishus!
It melted and fizzled in his mouth (think Kimodo dragon). Mmm! He culdn't get enough toez after
that. He wanted to create more dishez using the toez, and practiced his culinary skillz every day,
using kitchenz all over the realm. Ruby's kitchen is his favorite by far. It's alwayz well-stocked.
Oh, and she's little and alwayz frazzled, easy to knockz out. DarkClaw and her following remindz him
of home, so he worshiped her right away! He luvz her. His ongoing project is Crunch's Culinary Creationz,
soon to be in a bookstore near u.


uh. I eatz elfz toez.

Player Provided Information:

Personal Timeline:

June 21, 2012 : Crunch is created.
June 21, 2012 : Crunch gives worship to DarkClaw, joining The Lost Ones.

Player Information: